I can’t help but feel a deep reassurance that someone like Edward Thompson is inside me. To know that there is someone there who is watching out for me. It’s… nice. I don’t feel like I’m talking to no one when I talk to him anymore. I feel like he actually hears me and is helping me along somehow.
But to know that someone like Terrance Stone is also inside me, makes me feel scared. It seems like when he is out, the black outs last longer. I would prefer that Edward take control longer than Terrance, but it never seems to end that way.
Dr. Kinless tells me that Terrance really wants to be free. I tell him that I wish I knew how to let him go without taking my body with him. He also says I should stop talking to Edward. I tell him that I don’t think I can do that.
The days go by and I keep visiting Dr. Kinless. I learned that there were two other personalities within me. The one that was of particular interest to me was a girl personality named Rina Kasotome.
That name, Kasotome, I knew it from forth grade. Her name was Jennifer Kasotome. She had recently moved to New Jersey from Japan. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She was quiet and smart. She didn’t like to raise her hand. She felt embarrassed that she knew the answers and no one else did.
At first, she would answer nearly all the questions, but the other kids would make fun of her on the playground. I was too shy and timid to stand up for her. I always regretted that. I wish I wasn’t so weak. If I wasn’t weak, things would have been different…
I remember in sixth grade I finally got up the nerve to ask her out. It was the most humiliating event of my life. We were in the cafeteria, she was sitting with her friends and I was dumb enough to get up and go over to her table.
She was sitting on the end seat and I stood like a gargoyle, gawking at her. She noticed me, and she and her friends looked up. I was frozen. I couldn’t move. And then Lisa Harcowitz threw a grape into my open, gaping mouth. I nearly choked. I’d like to say that she laughed at me. I would really like to think and remember that she and all her friends and everybody else just laughed at me while I choked on the piece of fruit stuck in my throat. No, she didn’t do that. She didn’t do that. She just stared, rolled her eyes and said, “pathetic…”
That was it. Her friends giggled and they went back to their lunches. I dropped my tray and ran out of the cafeteria. Probably not the best move in sixth grade. In gym class the other boys would gawk at me the way I did at Jennifer. When you’re in sixth grade, and an outcast, it seems like the whole world is out to get you.
After that day, I began to have dreams of a woman. She looked like Jennifer only older. She would always convince me to do stupid things. These dreams typically turned into nightmares where some big thug with a machete would follow me into a carnival funhouse. Yeah, I had fucked up dreams. And I think that was partially due to all the old horror movies I used to watch.
The dreams always ended the same. I was in a full body cast with this woman by my side, through all of it. I’m sure you know where this is going… Dr. Kinless says I idealized Jennifer. She was my future. I could see a white house and a big yard… List any big time cliché from any of those corny love stories, it was there. Sometimes these dreams were so real that I could feel them, smell them, hear them. It was so calming and soothing. It was my heaven and I wanted it more than ever.
So instead of counting my losses, no, I was going to go big. I was going to go big or go home. Pardon me… I decided that I would ask her to the spring dance. I was determined that I would actually talk to her, that I was going to convince her to like me and we would go to high school together and college and grow old, all of that together. Have little kids and name them weird names like Jet and Rina. That was my future. So I asked her and she said yes.
I was stunned I really didn’t think she would say yes… And that got to me. Was it some elaborate prank? Was this going to turn into some Carrie bullshit? So I started worrying about it. What was going to happen? The day came and my mom drove me to pick her up. Embarrassing. I often wonder why middle schoolers have dances. Or I wonder why can’t the school buses pick us up instead? But my mom was so proud of me. It was nice to be treated like a person for once.
I had a new suit and tie. I looked really good, but she looked better. She had a black dress on, it was shorter than I was expecting. It made my mom blush. I bet she thought I was taking out the school whore or something. What was interesting was that Jennifer wanted me to pick up her friend too. She was a tall blond girl. Same dress only blue. I was thinking, damn, I’m going to look like a pimp, two beautiful women and… my mom driving… Well… yeah…
I sat in the front seat and Jennifer and the girl, whose name was never mentioned, sat in the back. I felt great. At least there wasn’t a guy at the door with her. Maybe I’m in the clear. We got to school and there were two guys waiting for us. My heart sank. I felt like I was betrayed. But I also knew hat something like this was going to happen. I grabbed Jennifer by the hand and led the five of us inside. I was at least going to put up some sort of fight.
If I may, I really hate telling this story. Let me skip to the shocking part, for me anyway. Good news was that the two guys that went in with us were just friends of Jennifer and her friend. They had no interest what-so-ever, in fact they had no interest in girls at all. They were together. I was shocked, but Jennifer knew all about it. She’s the one who told me. The bad news was that she and her friend were lesbians. I was mortified.
She told me, “I’m sorry about all of this. I wanted to go to the dance, but my parents are very… traditional. They don’t understand. I’m sorry I used you like this, what was your name again?”
And then I heard it. It was the sound of my heart ripping in two. I remember grabbing my chest. I really felt something happening inside my body; it was a rush, like fleeing death. I remember Jennifer trying to catch me and her girlfriend calling 911 on her cell phone and then black.
I woke up in the hospital and my mom and Jennifer and her girlfriend were there. I was surprised to be alive. My mom and Jennifer had been crying… Jennifer’s girlfriend looked pissed. I almost felt bad, but then I remembered how she ruined my life. I guessed we were even.
I could hear the tapping of her high heal shoe next to my bed. Jennifer and my mother didn’t seem to notice. They didn’t leave my side and stayed until they were forced to leave. I didn’t see my step father. He was probably pissed off at me for ruining a lovely evening and then charging him for an ambulance ride, not to mention the medical bills.
I had a heart attack. It was rare in children, but what can I say, I’m not that active. My doctor prescribed exercise. My father exercised his right to punch me in the face for not taking better care of my body. But that was later. Until then I had a friend, something I hadn’t had since 1st grade.
Jennifer came to visit me every day while I was in the hospital. We actually became really good friends. I still thought she was the most amazing girl ever, and being friends was better than nothing. One question she asked me as I lie in my bed, and I’ll never forget it, was who’s Rina. I didn’t want to tell her about our future. I didn’t think that was important. I thought that as long as she was here, she can be mine even if only partially.
I told her, ‘I don’t know. Is she someone in class?’ She smiled at me and talked. She wasn’t as quiet as I thought she was, but I liked her better this way.
I told Dr. Kinless this story. I don’t know whether he saw any relevance in it. I feel like there is some. I’m no doctor, I’m just a kid.
“Who is Rina?” Dr. Kinless asked.
“I told you,” I said, “She is my make believe daughter. The one I will never have.”
“Yes,” said Dr. Kinless, “But I wonder if she is something else. Jamie, have you ever been attracted to members of the same sex?”
“No!” I said, a little disgusted, “I was in love with Jennifer since the forth grade. I still am a little. She is the only girl I’ve ever loved.”
“Yeah,” I said. I was pissed, “Only, only, if you get my drift.”
“I’m sorry,” said Dr. Kinless.
“Look, I have nothing against gays and lesbians. Before I came here, I was hanging with Jennifer and her friends all the time. Sure I felt like the fifth wheel, but it really wasn’t that bad.”
“How did your father react?”
“I honestly never told my step-dad anything. He was the biggest douche bag I ever met. He probably would have beat me more…
If I hadn’t taken care of it in the first place.
“Hello, Terrance,” said Dr. Kinless, “You took care of it by breaking his arm. That wasn’t the best solution, even if he was abusive.”
I’ll tell you one thing though, he never did it again. Jamie’s face contorted into an evil grin.
“If I may, Terrance, I would like to speak with Rina.”
Now now, Doctor, what’s wrong with me? You usually shoot me up with something strong and we never get to chat.
I have collected enough data from you…
Collected it from your face and the floor.
“That’s neither here nor there, is it?”
“If you would be so kind as to get Rina for me and I won’t shoot Jamie’s body with ‘something strong.’”
Now now, we all have to live in this body.
“One body per personality, Terrance.”
You keep saying that shit, but it seems to be…
‘Terrance, please, the doctor wants to speak with me!’
Shut up, Rina! Leave this shit-head to me!
‘I never get to talk to him. I mean, I always try, but he’s never anywhere I look.’
Consider it a blessing. Now… Stop it!
‘Move over; it’s my turn.’
Rina! Get off!
‘Move over! Hi Dr. Kinless.’
‘What did you want to ask me?’
“I was just wondering if you could restore Jamie’s body and repair his brain.”
‘You’re mean! You just want all of us to leave when really we are all here to help Jamie! Even Terrance.’
“But you’re not helping him. You are tearing him to pieces. All four of you need to repair and become one.”
‘We are one. We just take turns. Sharing and all that. I was hoping that you and I could get together sometime. Maybe we could become… one’
“Well Rina, I’m flattered, but I don’t get involved with my patients.”
‘You’re mean! I’m leaving! If Terrance kicks your ass, I won’t feel sorry for you.’
Music to my ears!
“Guards, please,” said Dr. Kinless. The guards who hovered over Jamie’s body every session pinned him as the nurses administer the medication.
God damn… fucking… pussy…